uninvited blessings

In three days, it will be my youngest child's birthday. This is always an intense time for me, for several reasons. She is my last. Her birth was also the most wonderful birth experience I've had. I think mostly, though, it's the miracle of her very existence, and the anniversary of my giving myself over to her and to our family as it was meant to be... not as I planned it to be.

After my 2nd child's birth, my hubby was to get the Big V. We meant to get around to it, but just didn't. She was still nursing almost completely at a year old, with very little solid food. (She's still the pickiest eater!) I had not had a cycle yet. So while we meant to do it, we just... didn't.

Apparently there's an incredibly slim chance of starting to cycle while still nursing that much. And then, if you do, there's an incredibly slim chance of that first cycle starting egg first (rather than the more obvious bleeding first.) And, if you cycle, and if it starts egg first, there is an incredibly slim chance of that egg being viable and the womb being fertile enough to support the pregnancy to term. Yeah... So....

At some point, I felt strange. I had no reason to expect to be pregnant. I was exhausted and had been so ill most of my last pregnancy that I usually felt strange. But something inside said "test." So I tested. Three times. I was pregnant. I broke down and cried for hours, and I do not mean tears of joy. We were barely affording two kids, had just signed a purchase agreement on a 3 bedroom house which was meant to save us money. I had a narrowly-margined plan all lined up for how I was going to pull off my family of four. I cried, and cried, and cried. When I couldn't cry anymore, I just stared blankly ahead. I was in a depressed fog for weeks, at least. I considered abortion, and so did my husband, but we both agreed that wasn't for us. This was to be our path, even though we had no idea how to handle it.

The pregnancy was uneventful, and sometimes I even just forgot about it. It was hard to be excited since I was still absolutely terrified, and no one else really focused on it since it was my third. So the pregnancy went largely unnoticed. At some point, I decided that, since this was happening, anyway, I may as well have the birth experience I'd wanted with my 2nd child, which was changed by illness. Also, I was pretty fed up with doctors and hospitals. So I saw midwives, only as often as I had to, and arranged for a birthing center delivery. Low key. No bright lights, no wires, no drugs. I wanted to be left alone, more than anything.

On January 10th, around 7pm, I thought I had to pee. Turned out to be a head, and we got the kids back up and in the car and off to the midwife center. After about 90 minutes, my youngest child was born. I won't say it was bliss at first sight. I was still terrified. I was still, frankly, kind of ticked off. I know I was depressed. But I was curious, and that was a start. It started as curiosity, then as acceptance, then as a sort of "we're in this together, Kid" partnership. Over time, it has grown into a truly unique relationship. I watch the effect she has on people, how she draws them in and just... knows them. She is so intuitive and loving. When she grows up and puts words to her relationship with her mother, she will likely describe it as just being the baby or something. I will know differently. She is a miracle, and I am her biggest fan. She is bringing something to this world that the world needs, more than I needed my plan. And my family was never meant to be any other way.